Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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