I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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