I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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