Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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