If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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