If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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