i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm at about main and main street
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
