I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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