she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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