i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
