What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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