Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
