I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
