Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
