She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize