I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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