How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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