The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
