he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Randomize