I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
