If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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