my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
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