Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
