the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
