the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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