Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
