I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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