why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
