I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize