You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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