Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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