My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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