Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
