Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
