I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
