the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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