Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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