Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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