Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
