My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
