I was born with a shot glass in my hand
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
