just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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