I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
