Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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