hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
