Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
