toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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