Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
This toilet bowl is my home.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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