what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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