also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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