i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
