I'm going to jail i love you
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If I die, sorry about rent.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
