If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
