I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
