Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
