Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
