I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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