just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
