So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
