I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
