You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize